Autism: The Big Catch-22

Do you want to know what my life is like, living on the spectrum?

It’s people constantly wanting to take advantage of me. Friends who justify hurting me by saying my disorder’s personality quirks caused me to deserve the treatment I received. Partners who left me without even saying goodbye. Best friends who closed themselves off to me, provoking severe anxiety (a normal result on the spectrum), and then telling me that until I can stop being anxious nothing will change.

My entire life is a giant catch-22. If I exhibit any of the symptoms of being on the spectrum, people close themselves off to me. If I try to fake my way through, I’m told I’m being disengenuous. What’s an autistic to do? 

I’ve seen a neurotypical who is so codependent and controlling that they don’t let their partner even drive themselves to work get accolades and regular couples counseling to work on their relationship together. Yet because I’m anxious due to my autism, that same person who will do anything for the neurotypical – who is controlling on purpose – told me I was too insecure (which is not on purpose) and left me. No couples counseling. No trips together to even attempt to reconnect. 

Maybe people don’t know how much they’re hurting me when they use what they can from me but don’t want *me.* Is it possible they can’t see it? I get told so often how great I am to co-parent with, and work with, and how reliable and trustworthy I am. But I’m not worth committing to in any fashion. I’m not worth anyone’s effort. 

I no longer trust anyone. I’ve had people who promised forever leave me twisting in the wind, and blame the symptoms of the disorder I was born with. I plan to live a solitary life, because how can I trust people? Every single person I’ve ever committed to has replaced me with a neurotypical.

Autism is a very lonely place to be. At the end of the day, there’s no one beside me.